Away from the hustle and bustle of the street
The noise of the drama, the buzz of gossip
The scream of children and the yelling of teenagers
Away from the blaring car horns and steady tick-tock of that clock
Hidden from it all
In the warmth of the bed, the slide of the sheets
The coziness of the blanket, the spreading heat
From the coffee, the hot chocolate, the hot tea
The strange coolness of skin against mine, from just hands
The common, familiar heat radiating from my skin, just underneath
My body’s space heater-like quality, though not quite filling the entire room
The feel of your hand,
Gliding across my cheek, my chin, my ear
My sigh as I wish for the moment to continue
The spark of simple closeness
My face flushing lightly
To be held in
Hair through my fingers
Rub of your nose against mine
Sweet, secret smile
Slipping onto my face
Only in front of you
All that matters
?…another word I can’t think of,
Another description, another name
…ah, eluding my thought, my speech
Like slow dancing, long walks
Watching a rolling storm
Staring at a sky full of stars…
I see at last
All of those things
That have evaded my search
These past twenty-seven years and eleven and a half months
You are wonderful, amazing
Kind, humorous, clever
It has been waaay too long since I’ve tried to empty my head of itself. I figured that since I can’t particularly sleep…I slept a lot today…that now would be the best time.
Currently, I’m sitting at my computer with the TV on. Which is a rare occurrence, as I normally don’t have the damn thing on if I’m not playing a game or watching a DVD. But we now have digital cable, basically. Got U-Verse now, and have the Jazz Standards channel on…nice thing to listen to at night, Jazz.
Let me start off by saying that this year has been an effing roller coaster, but now? Now, I’m flying.
As many of you know, I had temporary insanity in the form of my decision to date my ex-boyfriend. He turned out to be COMPLETELY fake, as he didn’t look like his picture at all, wasn’t a nice person, didn’t have an illness…hell, he didn’t even actually have kids, as he had tried to have me believe.
I wanted to apologize to all of you that had to put up with my total and utter stupidity. At the time, I was hoping for someone to come along and just sweep me off my feet…even though you all know that I’m not like that. He came along, seemed like what I was looking for. But when we actually met, and he didn’t have any courtesy for me, no manners, and bitched and whined and yelled at me for no damn reason, I finally said I was done. And I truly have to say that I wasted the better part of a year and a half dealing with him. First as just a friend, then being led on for so long, then experiencing the reality that he was a horrible person. I’m not on here to bash him, I’m just trying to get out what I’ve been needing to get out for of my system for so long. I’m not very good at talking, so I figured this would be the best way for me to say what I needed to. I did make the idiot decision of keeping the dog that he got while he lived with me. She’s a sweet dog, but it’s hard as I’m not home much, and that was easier when I just had one dog. Anyway, I’m happy that I’m free of him, and that’s the end.
Another bad thing that happened this year is my extreme weight gain. Last year, partly because I was depressed about my ex, I had managed to lose forty pounds, and I looked great and felt great. However, when he moved in with me, because of all of the lies, I began putting the weight back on, and now I’ve managed to gain sixty this year. So in a way, I blame him because I was on the way to being where I’d like to be, and it all went to shit. But now that I don’t have to deal with that crap, I can focus on getting myself back to where I used to be. Please understand that it’s not a matter of looks. I had MUCH better self-esteem when I was lighter. And not to mention that there are medical reasons why I wanted to lose weight in the first place. So wish me luck as I step back onto the path of weight loss, yet again.
On the other side…the good side…of things, I have found what I’m looking for.
In my head and my heart, I wasn’t emotionally attached to my ex as of the end of April. I didn’t cheat or look elsewhere, because I’d feel terribly guilty, but I just didn’t have any feeling there anymore other than resentment and extreme dislike. I broke up with him July 3rd, and two days later, I was contacted by someone I hadn’t seen since I was a sophomore in high school.
Mel was part of a set of twins I had a class with. I remembered him. We just talked about random things, things that we actually had in common…which for me, as you know, is unheard of. Things like anime and the History Channel show The Universe. I can’t talk about things like that with just anyone. Some people think it’s completely over their heads. Others think that I’m not worthy of discussing it with them because they somehow have it in their minds that they are superior. So it just started out with messages back and forth, introductory conversation, that sort of thing.
Then he asked me on a date. I was extremely nervous about it. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t EVER been on an actual date before. But when I got there…and hour late, which I still feel bad for 😦 …I had the most fun six hours I’d had in a LONG time! We just talked, had a pizza, had some beer, and played some pool. I left in a most ecstatic frame of mind. I couldn’t stop smiling! We agreed to definitely do another date.
The following day, Mom, Nick and I went to Jefferson’s on Mass St. in Lawrence for dinner. Mel had texted me to see what I was up to. He was out with his cousin (I think) and asked me if I’d like to join them. I couldn’t but told him definitely some other time.
Next, he has asked on another date. We went the following Saturday night. Earlier in the day, however, it was apparent to me that I had done SOMETHING right, and when I walked into work, the guys at work were teasing me because I had received roses at work. I knew it was Mel, and I couldn’t describe how elated I was that he had done that for me! It was his (and his brother’s) birthday that next day, and I felt honored that he wanted to share the night before/of with him. We went to dinner, had a very nice time, and hinted that we would like to get together again.
Mel texted me again the next day, and asked if he could see me again that night. I agreed, as I wanted to see him very much again. We met up that Sunday night, and I had a lovely time. Of course, as our schedules clashed, we tried to get together as much as we could. A few days later, the night of the 29th, we had decided to become exclusive to each other. And I cannot begin to explain how happy I was about that…I still am happy about it!
He has treated me with nothing less than courtesy, and is the first true, real gentleman I’ve ever had the pleasure of being with. AND we both play games casually…which is nice as most people are lumped into hardcore gamers and non-gamers…at least around the people I know! He’s good to me, gets along with my “parents,” and he makes me feel like a million bucks. Cliche though it may be, it’s true.
And he is the reason for my extreme happiness, so you can thank him if I seem to be a bit more manageable. 🙂
Aside from my wonderful counterpart, good news is that I’ve finally managed to get a part time job at the State, and it’s temporary for the time being, but I’m hoping that in the next two years that they’ll come up with the money to be able to keep me. That’s what I’d really love.
There are other things to talk about, but since I have to be to work at 8 AM, I better be going.
I’ll talk about more things aside from my boyfriend, I promise.
But it’s hard not to talk about such a great person.
Love Sincerely, Love Supremely,