My update from earlier, when I wrote my very nihilistic entry…
It’s not that I don’t care, I just don’t normally share what I’m feeling very well with others, if I do that at all. And sometimes, I don’t even do that with myself. I have always assumed that crying was not good…that it was not something that was acceptable from ME…not other people, just me.
Tonight, with someone’s help, I finally made a breakthrough of sorts…I got out an issue almost as old as I am. I never talked about it because I was always afraid to. But through talking about it and finally getting to why I hardly ever cry and get upset, I’ve figured out my reason. I was told by this someone that I didn’t deserve what happened, and that there are good things that happen to you in life along with the bad. I never believed that until now. I always just assumed that things were random in their happening, but I have come to realize that there are reasons why things happen. I may not ever understand why it happened to me, but I tonight I have made a discovery that no matter what happened, when it did happen, that it wasn’t my fault, and that I deserve better.
I’m not going to talk about it specifically on here, and I hope I don’t offend you, but that it something that I wish to keep between me and the few people I have told about it.
My new goal is going to be that of working on giving myself the love I deserve. What happened to me, I will never wish upon another human being, no matter how despicable. That’s why I will work on my goal so hard…things won’t get better and come true if I don’t believe them.
And I have someone that believes strongly that I didn’t deserve what happened to me, and that there are good things in life too. It’s kind of funny because it is something that I have told this someone before, that there are good things as well as bad, and really in the end, the good things will far outshine any clouds that may try to darken my life.
I have to believe it.
Thank you, Blue Eyes…you have no idea how wonderful you really are and the fact that you believe in me, that shows me just how much good things are out there. Thank you for being there for me.