I hate days off sometimes. The reason being that for right now, I have nothing to do on my days off. It just gets to me because I hate not having anything to do. Yes I clean and do other household chores and stuff…and I walk and do bellydance and stuff…but it gets to a point where I have nothing else to do after I’ve done everything else that I can.
Edge came over tonight and we had lasagna and watched Pulp Fiction. That is one of my most favorite movies, and the soundtrack is phenomenal, not to mention the acting in the movie as well. My favorite parts are the “Boxers Don’t Have An Old-Timers Day” part, “A Royal With Cheese” part, and the “Bring Out The Gimp” part…and the song Comanche just kicks ass, really. Aside from spending time with Edge, there is my superficial moment of the day.
Today I spent a lot of time thinking today. I know, big accomplishment, me thinking a lot. I don’t really do it a whole lot because I spend so much time doing what I need to get things done, that most times, I don’t have time to even think for myself. I also barely slept last night, so that could be part of my slight mood that I had going on today. I took a nap in the middle of the day, which I hate doing, but I felt a little better…but I also woke up with my stomach hurting, so who knows.
I have felt lately that I really need something solid to hold on to, and I know that I am getting that very soon…I am just starting to feel very, I don’t know, like half of myself lately and like I’m missing something. I know that I’m missing someone…two someones to be exact…and I think that’s part of it. But damn, it’s so hard to have patience and everything…especially trust. I have the hardest time trusting people because so many have done me wrong and taken advantage of me and taken me for granted. I’m not going to be thirty years old with severe hypertension because I spent time worrying about people that didn’t give two damns about me.
I trust my family, Blue Eyes, Edge, Bunny…I just feel like I’m floating along with nothing to do, no goal to work towards. I feel almost lost sometimes. I feel like I am going to lose my chance at happiness because I second guess myself so much.
And maybe that’s what I have to learn…to trust myself. I rarely do that well, if I do it at all. And it’s just hard for me to express how I’m feeling. I know that if I cried or something that I would feel much better. But this is a time that I can say that I am so mad at myself that I’m not a crier. I used to be when I was little, but ever since going through some things, I have realized that there are people out there who are worse off than I am, and that I just need to keep it in and move on.
But I’ve been feeling so tired lately of all the bullshit that I’ve kept up around myself. I just want to feel free and happy for once…I’ve only ever felt happy. I am so ready to be happy and feel free, not weighed down with crap and stuff.
Today I opened up to Blue Eyes and told him something that only four other people know about me. And while it was good for me to get everything out and tell him things about myself, thinking about these incidents again made me feel everything that I felt back then…they made me feel like less than a person, like I was a defective person, that something was majorly wrong with me, that it was all my fault…
I just feel like I want to cry about things sometimes, but I’ve been taught to hold things in for so long, I don’t know if I can. I know that recently I have with someone’s help, but I just feel like if I did it every once in a while, that I would feel so much better. I want to, but it just feels like sometimes that someone forgot to turn the waterworks back on in my head…like someone forgot to pay the water bill, and so nothing is working…
But I just hope that soon I can get all of the crap off my chest so I can finally heal from it…I’ve never tried to deal with it because it was so bad that I just wanted to forget about it. That’s never a good thing, though, to just try to forget about it. Things like that should be dealt with so that I can move on and become a healthier person…if not for myself, for my loved ones and future loved ones. For my family, close friends, Blue Eyes, Shining Star…
…I’m just feeling kind of sad right now, that’s all…
I’m kind of exhausted, so I’m off.
To my rock: You have helped me through so much, and I know that you will just continue to stand for me when I can’t…you don’t know how much that means to me and I want to show you how much it means to me…and show you how much you mean to me. Te quiero mucho, mi amor.