Hundred Billion Castaways Looking For A Home…

Today I returned to work after being off for eight days.  Well my vacation was last week, and I had the previous Saturday off.  When I say “vacation,” that means that I had seven days at home to myself to do whatever I want to do.

My vacation started kinda off the wrong foot.  I was kind of depressed for the first half of it.  Now before any of you go jumping to conclusions, I have been depressed for about the last four or five months, so it’s nothing new…I just tend to hide things like that, and hide them well.  Part of it was something that I had planned for not happening, and the other part was that I had absolutely nothing to do…and I hate that.  I did manage to clean out a quarter of my closet, and a lot from a storage bin in our outer hallway closet.

For those of you that don’t know, I have managed to lose about five and a half inches from my waist since February, and I’m not sure how much I’ve lost.  So that has put me in a bind as my pants just started to fall off at random times…these random times including work times, so not the best of times, obviously.  But I am very happy at the progression of my loss, no matter how small it is in pounds.  The inches concern me more because diabetes and heart disease run on both sides of my family, so better for me to take care of things now.

When I got to work today, I had up $1140…which was strange to me at first because I had not worked last week.  Then I realised that I had two layaway pickups, and that gave me some money   And we almost had a couple buy an $8000 ring, but they wanted to look around some more…even though it was the best deal that they had seen.  I was glad to get back to work, to see KN and Tweedledum…even Tweedledum was bearable today. 

And when I was having a tough day readjusting to being back at work after eight days of doing absolutely nothing, Blue Eyes sent me a nice text, and that made me happy…it was just something sweet.  Then as we were getting things ready to close, a couple came in and stayed til about five or so after six, so we closed a little late, but nothing huge.  Tomorrow we have a “Diamond Event,” or a restyle show.  We are working with a new company, Dana Augustine, and we have heard great things about them…much better things than the previous company we were working with for our shows.  So I’m kind of excited about work tomorrow, seeing all the pretty loose diamonds, gemstones, and mountings…not that I’m buying anything, but it will be fun.

When I got home today, my godmother, Nini, was there and her husband Ben just got back from Mexico…he brought back some rosaries.  I had told Nini that I wanted one that I could wear underneath my shirts and stuff.  So when Ben went down to Mexico, he came back with about ten different rosaries.  I got a black beaded one that should be small enough for me to wear, and another one that is made of hematite, a fairly strong and shiny dark grey/black colored stone.  I love them both so I’ll see which one I end up wearing.

Today I felt a lot of easiness and rest that I haven’t felt in a while.  I’m thinking that it has to do with a talk the Blue Eyes and I had…well, we’ve had some talks for a while, and they are helping me to see things differently than I would have otherwise seen them…if that makes sense.  I know I said that before, but each time we talk more it helps me to open up a part of me that I normally keep closed off.

I have guarded myself very closely for a while.  But I have to admit that the past relationship I had was just plain old not good for me.  I knew that he only wanted one thing and yet I continued to see him.  I think that to this day it was to punish myself for something…I think that I still need to figure out for what.  I grew up thinking that all I needed to do was please others and put them ahead of me.  I know that I’ve done this because my mom, Sweet-N-Low, always did that.  Now she has learned to take care of herself, but I don’t want to end up like that.  I mean that I love to care for people and take care of them, but I need to remember to take care of myself as well.

I don’t think that I can chalk it up to an inferiority complex anymore…I think that it has to do with self love.  It’s not that I don’t love myself, I just think that sometimes I don’t deserve it, and I really wish I knew why.  Hopefully with me writing again, I can discover that and heal myself.  And help is appreciated, but not if someone is going to demean, disrespect, or belittle me.  I’ve had enough of that in the past, and I’m not going to take anymore.

…Obviously, that’s been affecting me lately…I mean the thought that I have an issue with self love…and maybe I do, but I have learned recently that I do have to take care of myself.  If I’m not in good shape, how can I possibly hope to take care of someone else?


You know how they tell you to put yourself in the other person’s shoes?  I hate when people say that to you because to be honest, they really don’t ever do that.  Sure, they look at the logistics and facts, but when you have a situation that deals with your heart and your soul, they never do that.  They don’t say, “Well, if I felt like that in my heart and in my soul, I’m really not sure how I’d feel,” or “I think that I would feel that it’s as difficult as you do.” They only take into consideration how they would handle the situation, minus the heart and soul feeling, and tell you what they think you should do based on logic and experience.  The only time I take up experience is when someone is buying something, if that makes sense.  And I guess part of it is my own fault, as for most of my life, my decisions have been based upon logic and common sense.  So I can’t fault people for thinking that I always think like that, but God damn, aren’t I allowed a little bit of leeway?! I mean shit, everyone else is allowed some breathing room to be insane, do I ALWAYS have to be the sane one?!

Sorry…I’ve been mad about that for a few weeks and I just had to get it out.

But I’ll say this: No matter how much people say that they understand, there are those that I know will never understand because they cannot truly put the shoe on the other foot, as it were.  That’s why when people come to me with problems, I just listen to them and support them in any way I can.  That’s just me, and I do understand that some people out there are more apt to give you their two cents before you finish your story.  I am getting to the point that I just have to accept that those people will always do that, no matter what, and be happy just that I have their presence in my life.

I truly love those people.  So I will do my best to work with them, but I will not assume the position for them just so I can lose who I have become…which I am happy to say, I am very happy with the person I have become, and I know that I can’t give the credit to myself alone, God helps me a lot in that department, but I am responsible for the choices I make.

I just want to say a huge thank you to those of you that really try to understand me and are there to listen no matter what.

Hardly anyone listens anymore.

Wow…I was angry tonight, wasn’t I?

Love Supremely,

The Mexican



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