There are times that I feel so alone, so cut off from the world, that I wonder how I manage. I mean that since I don’t have a vehicle, that excludes me from a crapload of things. I’m not walking all the way to Gage Bowl from here just to play pool…by the time I got there, I would want to take a 20 minute nap in the air conditioning before I played. So I can’t just go to even a family function unless someone can pick me up from work and bring me back home to the West Side.
I also feel that I have been letting people down lately. I say this because I have had a realisation with, of all people, two of my best friends that I have not really talked to either one of them, and because of that, we seemed to have grown apart tremendously. That makes me feel like such a bad friend.
Now I’m not saying that it is irreparable, far from it, it’s just that I have realised how important relationships between people are. It is important that I take this knowledge and apply it to the current relationships that I have. Meaning my family and friends…co-workers don’t really count…it’s not that I don’t like them, but I really actually dislike two of them, so I choose not to share too much with them. But my family and friends, I consider those to be the people that I trust, and so in order for them to trust me, I have to show my interest in them as well as in our relationship…and to do that, I need to show them that I will always be there for them, and always tell them what’s going on.
I do admit that there are times that I want to deal with things on my own…I’ve always been like that, and I hate to burden someone else with my problems or issues…but if I don’t share with them, that may be a sign that I don’t trust them, and in turn, it will cause them not to trust me to tell them everything.
I have a short attentions span, which causes me to forget easily things that others would probably not, but I also know that I can’t put the blame on that alone…I’m the one that can control my short attentions span, so blame with that lies with me. If any of you have a good idea on how to work on fixing something like that, let me know.
In May I started dating a man I will call Blue Eyes…just because it’s easier for me…he is a widower and he has made me see things in a different light at times…but he is someone that I could not live without. His daughter, Shining Star, is so sweet and adorable and I couldn’t have asked for more in my life. I say this about both of them because: I have said that I don’t have the same misdirection in my life as many of my friends seem to have, but to be honest, at the start of this year, and up until June, I did not really know what I wanted to do. I didn’t seem to have anything else to do except work at the mall and that’s it. I have realised, with having the two of them, that I have found my place…and it is with them. I have not been this happy for a very long time. It has not been easy, but I believe and know in my heart and my soul that it is worth it.
And I know that I need to talk more to my friends about it as well…I don’t really talk to people that much, and I know that’s not good at times, so I am making it a major point for the rest of the year to talk to my people more…to make them see how genuinely interested I am in them, and that I do care about them.
If you are one of my good friends and reading this, I am very sorry for not giving you the attention that you deserve, and hope that you can forgive me and let me do my best to do that for you.
Well, it’s 1:51am, and my brain is starting to short out, so I’m going to go…and I finally got a fan for my room
P.S. You should come over sometimes and play Super Smash Bros. Brawl…hopefully, I’ll have two more remotes by then…