All Things Farscape & Swiss Potato Casserole

Today wasn’t as bad as work has been…meaning that I worked with JM and KN today, and being Sunday it’s always pretty busy.  However it’s a toss-up as to how it will be.  We’re either busy in a good way, or busy with nutsos all day. 

It was definitely a Nutso Day.

People were a little crazy today, but nothing bad.  I loved working with JM and KN today because they’re easy-going and they’re not all high strung like others that I work with.  Well, except for Mr. Hummel, he’s cool too.

Anyway, I got home and had some dinner waiting for me…hamburgers and swiss potato casserole…never had it before and it was very good.  And I decided to watch Farscape for a while.  I haven’t watched it in a long while, and I remember why I love it so much.  The story line is great, and the fact that it has humor that I can understand is even better.

My mind is kind of scrambled right now.  Kind of vague, yes, but that’s how it feels.  I feel happy about quite a few things right now, annoyed with my boss and a co-worker, nervous about my job prospects, anxious, excited, indifferent…it sounds kind of pathetic, but I do feel all of those at the same time.  Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, but that’s just how I am.  It’s not because I’m a woman…I know quite a few men that I don’t understand…but I’m just in a mood recently.  *sigh* 

And not this coming Saturday, but next Saturday, the 13th, my family and I are going to Worlds of Fun.  This will be extremely interesting as it will be Sweet-N-Low, Nickos, Thumb, me, Sweater, Vern, Old Man, Nini, D-Rok and a friend of his.  Notice that everyone has someone to hang with but me.  I know, I know, it sounds childish, but it’s true.  I love my brothers, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just that I don’t want to hang with them the whole time, and while I love Sweet-N-Low and them, I don’t want to hang with them either.  Just once I’d like to go to WOF and just hang with someone by myself.   It’s much easier to do rides and stuff when it’s just two people as opposed to six.  Oh well, I’ll get to be with my family for a day, so that will be nice.  Afterwards we’re going to go somewhere to eat for Nickos’s birthday, which is the 9th.

Eh, I just want to move somewhere lately.  I don’t know why, I just do.  Some place where I can just go and do what I want to do, with whomever I want to, and not have to worry about anything else. *sigh* I need another vacation.

There was something that I heard on (of all things) an episode of Farscape that I watched.  One of the main characters, Aeryn, is a soldier, so she is trained, among other things, to always keep control of her emotions, and she is talking with this man about that.  They tried to go rock climbing, he lied to her about being an expert at it, he fell and got them both jacked up.  They just met recently, and he had been pursuing her very actively.  And Crichton is the main character who Aeryn tries to deny her feelings for.

Man – “I’m sorry I brought this on you.”
Aeryn – “Do you always pursue women you don’t know?”
M – “If I’m drawn to them.”
A – *scoff*
M- “Would you be lying here helpless, giving up, if Crichton were back there waiting for you?”
A – “You wouldn’t understand.”
M – “Does your leg hurt? It’s broken.”
A – “I’m trained to deal with that.”
M – “That’s the answer. You’re not trained to deal with emotions so you’re afraid of them. Emotional pain you wear like a badge. It means you’ve been there. And it can’t get calloused because each fresh hurt stings like the first.”
A – “Why would you want that?!”
M – “Because of all the days before it hurts. The good days…when you’re in love.”
*PAUSE*
M – “It’s too bad you can’t get back to at least tell Crichton how you feel.”
A – “What difference would it make? He’s a frelling statute!”
M – “But he can hear. He can see. He’ll know, Aeryn. At least he’ll know.”

The whole statute thing…if you want to know I’ll tell you sometimes, it’s kinda funny.  But aside from that, I realise that I’ve been like this. That when I do things, it is because that is how I’ve learned to do them. I have never been instructed in emotions, how to feel…I have been taught from a very early age that I had to keep my emotions in check always…must be why I don’t show my attitude when I should…but I’ve learned to open myself up and to explore and enjoy my emotions as they run through me.  And to experience them proudly. 

I don’t know if any of that made sense, but I hope it helped explain things enough.

Love Supremely,

The Mexican

Advertisements

A Load of Bull Malarky & 48 Cent Dr. Pepper

This might be kind of short, but I just wanted to put something up.  I need to.

I got told that I can’t continue to talk about work, and that if I do, it has to be very vague……because I didn’t do that or anything, but whatever.  I am just pissed that someone was checking up on me online, and I think I know who it was…someone from work.  But I’m over it and am just going to post here instead of on Myspace, which I think is where someone got nosey, but anyway.

So work was okay tonight, but as my attitude has been…I just didn’t want to be there.  And it was kind of sweet because KN is moving, so Mr. Hummel gave her a sweet going away card… It was just the thing we needed tonight as it was just weirdos in tonight.

Mom picked me up from work, she had just come from HyVee, and told me that Dr. Pepper was 48 cents a 2-liter……that’s freaking awesome!  She told me that she needs to go there at the butt-crack of dawn because if she goes too late in the day, there won’t be anymore…and she’s very right about that when it’s normally a little over a dollar.

I am feeling better little by little…I just think that I am thinking too much…yes, there is such a thing as thinking way too much…and I just need to go back to doing my hobbies again, like anime and walking and games and practicing the keyboard and stuff like that in my spare time.  And once my violins and guitar get fixed, I’ll have a lot to do in my spare time. 

*sigh* I just really wanted a hug today, Bunny gave me one, but it isn’t the same.   But I know I’ll feel better eventually.

Love Supremely,

The Mexican

The Dark Crystal & Long Ass Days

This is going to be very random, just to warn you all.

I was telling my office manager today how much I love 80’s movies, which got us talking about The Dark Crystal, Legend, and Labyrinth.  I’ll admit that I was scared of all three when I was a child, but watching them now, they really were quite awesome movies especially at the time.  The Dark Crystal, I hadn’t remembered it until Edge said something about it one time when she lived with Bunny and I.  Those and Krull and Beast Master…ah, the 80’s!  Such a glorious time for movies, really.  Nowadays you get mostly special effects and overdramatic performances, but every once in a while a good movie comes along.

Work today was just bad.  Well, we had a guy come in, bought a $1300 men’s diamond wedding ring, he wrote a check for it, it passed our check system, then him and his fiancee went down to Briman’s and tried to write a bad check there.  Tweedledee was kind of stressed out about it, but after I assured her that it is the check company’s fault because they approved it, and if anything happened that it would be out of their pocket and not our’s, she felt better.  But the day was just…looooong.  And the fact that I have such a wonderful job prospect on the horizon doesn’t help anything because I feel like I don’t need to be there.  *SIGH*

And I’m feeling better today, but I just felt kind of lonely today is all. I just want to move to an island with a crap load of money and be done with things. 

Love Supremely…always…

The Mexican

Let’s Stay Together & The Day From Hell

Okay, well not really the day from hell, but close enough. 

Today, I was extremely tired, and the fact that I didn’t have anything to do today didn’t help matters any.  I finished everything that I had on my list today. I felt as though I could have fell asleep at work today and no one would have noticed.

Last night, Thumb took us to this awesome mexican restaurant in Lawrence called La Familia…it was sooooo good!  And I’m normally a big critic of mexican restaurants.  It was Thumb, Sweater, Vern, Old Man, Sweet-N-Low, Nickos and myself that went.  We had a great time, Nickos got carded and Old Man flirted with the waitress.  And their tamales were awesome!

I’m still waiting to hear back from the State, but from what my uncle’s girlfriend said, she’s just waiting to receive the rest of the applications.  Her boss told her that she gets to choose who to interview first.  Let’s hope and pray that I’m one of them. 

I’m just PMSing or something probably…you all know that I’m not the best at finding out why myself is feeling a certain way, and it ROYALLY pisses me off.   I’m having moments where I’m feeling like an idiot, but I don’t know why…

Love Supremely,

The Mexican

I Need To Be Attached To A Giant Hug Machine…

YO.

Not that THAT was much of a greeting, but whatever.

Work was work as it is always work.  Meaning that it was a busy ass Saturday.  We had a really good time at work, well I did anyway.  But then again, I think that comes from actually selling something.  I had this couple come in, she went to bridal, he went to watches.  I didn’t see them come in together, so I talked to him first.  He told me that he was just browsing while his wife was looking at diamonds.  So I went on over to bridal, thinking that she just wanted to browse through things…well I ended up have lots of fun with them and then they came back before I left for the day, KN helped them, and they took home a $2500 ring.  They were so happy with it, and it’s times like those that I am happy that I do the job that I do.  Making people happy and making those real connections with people is what my jobs is about at its core.  I don’t care what other people say about jewelry professionals.  Yes, we make money, but anyone will tell you that there is nothing more rewarding than seeing such a smile on someone’s face and knowing that you helped put it there.  There are some selfish bastards out there, but the good ones far outnumber the bad.

I was off at 5:00pm today.  Once upon an April of 2008, I used to work every weekend closing.  Meaning closing Friday and Saturday, and alternating Sundays to work.  The main reason that I started asking for every other weekend to open on Friday and Saturday now, and still alternating Sundays, is so that I could be available on the weekends.

Someone was talking to me about needing to be more logical.

When Sweet-N-Low had her accident, do you want to know what was the one thing that I did not, would not do?  I didn’t/wouldn’t cry.  My brothers, even Sweater who is usually the most composed out of all of us, was almost hysterical about what happened…Thumb usually is hysterical in general about things, so his reaction and feelings weren’t surprising…but when they couldn’t take it anymore and they couldn’t stand there for a little while with Sweet-N-Low, I was the one that stood with her all the time.  I don’t react to danger and threatening situations the same way the population as a whole acts.  So point being, I act like a robot most of the time when making my decisions

But you know what?  When it comes to matters of the heart, why in God’s Mysterious, Beautiful Universe would I want to think about love like a robot?  Like a being that while it may be animate, it cannot experience human love or emotion.  Currently, they can’t anyway, so why would I want to think like that??

IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME!!

See? I am thinking clearly…thinking like a robot when it comes to love is not logical to me.  Yes, you do have to realistic about things, but do you honestly fucking think that I wouldn’t do that?

I feel like Spock sometimes, saying things are/are not logical, but it’s very true.

*sigh* Well I’m getting tired, so I’m going to bed.

Love Supremely…please…

The Mexican

Fantasy & The Seven Seas…or Five Oceans…Whatever

*sigh*

This was a long day today…not bad, just long.

I opened with just Tweedledum today, but it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.  She respected my space today and we actually had a good day between all of us at work.  It’s just the sales day was really shitty.  I even managed to leave for a twenty minute break aside from my lunch break to go up to the Sprint Store to banter with the store manager about my phone.

My dork brother called me at work today, then wanted to talk to KN, who he has a crush on, and asked her what the five oceans were.  I asked him why he couldn’t have asked me…he said he didn’t think that I knew.  I told him that I should hit him, and the next time he comes back to Topeka, I will…no warning or anything, I’ll just hit him.

Today was…well, something that Blue Eyes told me about, I was kind of , but I understand very much why he is doing it…and I am glad that he is doing it, but I still feel bad, like that it’s my fault that he is in the pain that he is in.  I know that it’s something that he has to do, and I know his other reason for doing it, I just wish I could help him more in it.  I know that it can’t be easy at all, and for me to be here and not be able to help out the way I want to…well, a lot of you know me, and that’s just not how I am.  My thing is to be right there for those that I love, not to just hope that they feel the strength and love that I am sending them.  And because I don’t think that they can feel it sometimes, I feel like a failure.

But I am doing my damndest to get rid of those feelings…you know, like I talked about before.  Today, I only blamed myself once for how someone was feeling today, but other than that, I didn’t do that.  Something that helped me today was that I wore a pair of pants to work that I’ve not worn in over a year and a half because they were pretty tight.  Then I had lost a teensy bit in January and could wear them.  They were still a little tight, but not as bad as they had been…it’s seven months later, and now they are about an inch too big in the waist…I know, it’s a great thing, but you don’t have to spend the money to buy new pants.

To my rock, I want to say this: I really hope that this helps you, baby.  I want you to be happy and I want to be with you.  I just want you to know how much I am here for you and I know why you are doing this.  You are so wonderful and I feel the sadness that you are radiating…I just want you to know that I will help you carry this as far and as long as you have to.  No matter what, I will be right next to you.  I love you.

Peace out.

Love Supremely,

The Mexican

That’s Pride F***ing With You…

My update from earlier, when I wrote my very nihilistic entry…

It’s not that I don’t care, I just don’t normally share what I’m feeling very well with others, if I do that at all.  And sometimes, I don’t even do that with myself.  I have always assumed that crying was not good…that it was not something that was acceptable from ME…not other people, just me.

Tonight, with someone’s help, I finally made a breakthrough of sorts…I got out an issue almost as old as I am.  I never talked about it because I was always afraid to.  But through talking about it and finally getting to why I hardly ever cry and get upset, I’ve figured out my reason.  I was told by this someone that I didn’t deserve what happened, and that there are good things that happen to you in life along with the bad.  I never believed that until now.  I always just assumed that things were random in their happening, but I have come to realize that there are reasons why things happen.  I may not ever understand why it happened to me, but I tonight I have made a discovery that no matter what happened, when it did happen, that it wasn’t my fault, and that I deserve better.

I’m not going to talk about it specifically on here, and I hope I don’t offend you, but that it something that I wish to keep between me and the few people I have told about it.

My new goal is going to be that of working on giving myself the love I deserve.  What happened to me, I will never wish upon another human being, no matter how despicable.  That’s why I will work on my goal so hard…things won’t get better and come true if I don’t believe them.

And I have someone that believes strongly that I didn’t deserve what happened to me, and that there are good things in life too.  It’s kind of funny because it is something that I have told this someone before, that there are good things as well as bad, and really in the end, the good things will far outshine any clouds that may try to darken my life.

I have to believe it.

Thank you, Blue Eyes…you have no idea how wonderful you really are and the fact that you believe in me, that shows me just how much good things are out there.  Thank you for being there for me.

Love Supremely,

The Mexican