Reminiscing and Ice Cream Sundaes

Once, things were perfect

You were lovely and sweet and funny and smart and handsome

How silly you were, and smart and tough

How ridiculous you were, and thoughtful and considerate

That one single sweet smile that you have

The genuine one…You know which one it is

Was the one thing that would always make me feel wonderful and bashful

Would always break me because I always knew that you would never be with me

…every time I saw that damn smile

One day, I decided to change it

I grew a pair

And whatever was there…

Was magically demolished

I don’t know what happened

I guess it was a matter of choice for you

I was no longer worthy of the jokes, the accidental touches

No longer worthy of the hard belly laughs, the sweet moments

…I have not since seen that gorgeous, heartbreaking, supernova smile

…The one that you could miss if you blinked

But me?

I never blinked once

Not long after that, I saw you again

At my job, you visited me

After you left, a coworker said something silly

You have flippy hair, he has flippy hair

You’re cute, he’s cute

And the tension between you two was ridiculous

You guys should get together

I informed said coworker

That nothing would ever work between us

That bridge had burned as quickly as it was built

And for a long time

I was desperately sad, deep down

Since then, I have a new rigor and love for life

And the one that I choose to spend my life and time with

Is more than I ever asked for

More than I ever experienced

And more for me than anyone else has been

He is the most perfect person for me

And I know that you have found someone to share your life with as well

I wish you happiness and love with her

Because for just a moment

I got to see you

For the lovely soul that you are

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Ahhh, I sound like a freaking sap. Ridiculous. But I guess it’s true. Won’t go into many details…mustn’t ask us, not its business…but it goes something like this.

I was, at one time, in love with someone a long time ago. We flirted shamelessly, and he was such a sweet person. It was never anything sexual or inappropriate, but it was nice. It was one of those situations that I wasn’t ever sure if anything would ever come of it. Main reason being that I am five years older than him. Well, the time came to shit or get off the pot, and things kind of fell apart after that. We didn’t talk for maybe eight or nine months. Then I saw him at my job, and we just talked for a little bit. It was a nice conversation, and I don’t hold anything against him. He did what was best for him, and I don’t want anything other than happiness for him in his life. I’m very glad that he is happy now.

Why am I talking about this?

Because I had a little reminder of what he did for me the second time I had seen him. He serenaded me, and that had never before happened to me. He was very much an awesome person, and still is. Thinking about him, quite randomly and reminiscing over it, just made me remember how happy I was at the time. I’m happy with my boyfriend and he is more like myself than I could ever have thought possible. He knows my heart and soul so well, I could never have asked for someone so right for me. So that isn’t even an issue. I just realise that I have had a moment where I looked back at a situation that used to make me sad, and I smiled because I remembered the happiness of the moment. It’s really nice. Maybe that’s a side effect of turning 30, I’m not sure. But there it is.

Aside from that, though, I feel as though my wheels are spinning in a pocket of clay, mud and snow on top of a thick layer of ice. It sucks hardcore. I don’t really know what to do with it. I’m trying to fix a few things that need fixing, so I don’t really have anytime for me and my pursuits. I’ve been wanting to get back into dancing, and I have been wanting to go to karaoke with my dad more often, since I love to sing. I’ve been wanting to learn how to draw. Since I got my Wii back, I’ve been wanting to charge hardcore at my games and finish them. Have to beat some of them again, and that’s gonna take a while. So ballz 2 me on that one.

*sigh* I think I’m just thinking too much about them. I do that, and I’ve been trying not to think about them so much, and just do. After all, there is no try, right?

On a positive note, I’ve spent another lovely day with my mom and my little nephew. It is so fun to spend time with a little guy like him, and think about how really wonderful it must be to have children. DON’T get me wrong, I’m not trying to have any right now at all, but I think that when I am ready, I will thoroughly enjoy it. My nephew is almost 6 months old, and he is the cutest little guy! And the things he does, noises he makes are so freaking adorable. Makes me happy that I am his Tia. I feel very privileged to know him, and am excited to get to know him as the years pass.

Oddly enough, I’ve been a fan of hot fudge sundaes. I’m not normally an ice cream girl, but lately…ah, it’s just odd. Odd things for odd people, I guess.

I also thought about going back to school, again, but I’m not totally sure what I want to finish. Astronomy has popped back up in my mind, but that would involve being away from all of my loved ones, so we will see what I choose to go with. Wouldn’t mind teaching astronomy. I guess we’ll see.

And I don’t care what people say. Age is just a freaking number. It should have no bearing on you as a person. I hate girls that trip because they turn 25 or 30. If YOU feel old, it isn’t your birthday’s fault. Maybe you should stop feeling old, and try feeling youthful. I told someone that I still feel as I did in my early twenties. I don’t feel old, so I don’t know what their problems are. I still get carded for alcohol, so I’m not complaining. My mom got carded for a margarita in her late thirties, so I have that to look forward to! Thank goodness I got her looks laughing

———————————————————————————————————————————

It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

I bless the rains down in Africa

Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

~ Toto

Stars and the Heart of the Universe

If you could touch your love in eleven different dimensions,
Would it be like feeling the heart of the universe,
Or feeling the soul of a star?

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You know when you get those little short bursts of random words that sound good together? Yeah, I get those a lot.

I know it’s been almost a year since my last post, or video. I have realized that the reason why my life sucks in certain areas is because I’ve been making excuses. I know why there have been issues here and there, but those issues don’t make up the majority of my real problems. So starting next week, blogs and videos are back up, along with pictures as needed. The videos are for me, making myself accountable, as well as the pictures. The blogs are for people to get a better gist of what I was trying to say. We all know that can be very hard with all of the effing rambling that I do.

The drive for my weight loss journey has returned because of two things.

#1 – Since six of my current family members are diabetic, including my mother, and her mother was diabetic as well, I have made the decision to not go the same route. According to my endocrinologist, I am sitting right on the fence for being pre-diabetic. I don’t even want to go that far, so that’s a huge part of what is lighting the fire under my ass.

IF you can’t be mature, don’t check out number two.

#2 – Since June of 2009, I have only cycled twice. I have never been regular, but going nine months and then a year and a half, I’m pretty sure that something is wrong. The doctors have told me that what is going on is an extreme overabundance of testosterone. Which is due to my hypothyroidism that I was diagnosed with last year. I have to have some follow-up blood work, but they want to see how things are going now. Two of my doctors want me to go on Metformin, which is an anti-diabetic drug. It has also been used in fertility treatments (meant to make women cycle monthly,) and the same two doctors told me it may aid quite a bit in my weight loss. But I want to be functioning properly again, so I’m going to take my doctors up on it, and try it.

*****************************************

So, a lot has changed in my mindset over the past five years. My thoughts as to my faith have not changed in the areas that matter. I may have had a bit of tweaking done in a few areas, but my faith is still as solid as it has ever been.

There have also been things that have been churning in my mind for further thought and consumption, and they have been extraterrestrials.

Anyone that has known me as a child knows that the stars and the cosmos have always intrigued me. I know that there are other things out there that we are not aware of, and there are many things that I will not have the honor of experiencing. But that is no reason to completely claim that nothing else other than your own narrow mind-space is possible. So, as I see fit, I will expound on this subject a little.

And please excuse my grammar. I hate not being in school for the exclusive reason of not writing for a grade. I love writing.

love supremely,
The Mexican

Out From Left Star Field and SSF II Turbo HD Remix…

Across the sky, a star shoots past me

I can’t see itIt is so brilliant, so blinding
But when its circuit of my night sky is over
It does what it was meant to do
It burns out
And I’m left as cold as before

Meanwhile, back at the Kwik Shop…

You come around this time
Instead of that harsh, cruel, cold light
And you slowly yet surely light up the sky
Like the sun
With your gentle rays of warmth
With your beautiful, bright light
Like a mogwai in daytime
I was so scared

You managed to do what most can’t accomplish…
You stole my heart
You stole my soul
You stole my mind…which is a feat in and of itself
Everything else just came naturally…

You still hold me in your arms
Still hold me with your eyes
With your heart

I gave my heart to you
To keep it happy and safe and warm
And you have…

Done above and beyond that…
I couldn’t possibly ask for more
And for that,
You have so much more than myself and my love
You have it all

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Didn’t feel like really posting up a video…I’ve kinda been looking like hell lately. Not enough sleep and a crazy ass schedule lately.  Weight is still holding at a STEADY 226…my brother is supposed to be burning P90X for me, so I’m actually looking forward to it.  Back has been hurting lately, and I REEEALLY hope it’s just muscle pain or something, and not kidney-related.  I was in the hospital for a couple of days two years ago, a kidney infection run amok, and I’d really rather not end up in the hospital again…that shit’s expensive as hell!

Also, thanks to my wonderful boyfriend, I’ve had Ryu’s theme from Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix stuck in my head for two days now…but its a good song, so why am I complaining?!?! 😀  If you knew me back in the day, you know that fighting games were not my forte…the only thing I ever really played was MKII and MKIII, Clayfighter, Killer Instinct, World Class Heroes (sue me…), and Street Fighter II Turbo.  So I have taken, just a bit, to learning how to play Marvel vs. Capcom 2…erm, playing as Servbot O_o…And I have yet to play a person yet, as I’m sure my ass will be thoroughly handed to me when it happens, but I guess that means I’ve just got to practice that much more, right?  I will try to get into SSFII Turbo HD Remix, but I think a certain little yellow robot is my best buddy 🙂

Anyways, I’m cutting it here for the night, time to get some freaking sleep as I end day one of three of all three jobs.  Well technically I’m training for one, but that still means somewhere else that I gotta make sure I’m on time to!

And my poem, I’m sure you can tell who its directed to.

I absolutely love him with all that I am.

Love sincerely, love supremely,

Slainte, Salud,

The Mexican

 

Project Simply Irresistible

It’s been a while. And hopefully I won’t be writing too long. Gotta get to bed with my whole new deal I’m working on. I am on a weight loss journey…not a diet. A diet means that I am cutting out food, and I’m not totally cutting out food. I’m just learning how to have things in moderation. Anyway, this is going to be short, but I just want to make sure that I take time to write things down…hopefully everyday. I really want to make sure I hold myself accountable for this. A journal and, as soon as I get it, a webcam, will help me, I believe. So, it will be very personal, but I’ll deal with it. I’ll leave it here, for now…because its so late, and I need to be in bed. So I’ll share more tomorrow. I plan on getting the webcam, so hopefully instead of just writing, I can articulate.

 

Love supremely, love sincerely…

Slainte, salud…

Liza “The Mexican” Charay

 

P.S. There will be pictures, so you’ve had your warning.

We’ll Take Our Hearts Outside, Leave Our Lives Behind…and Watch The Stars Go Out

Away from the hustle and bustle of the street
The noise of the drama, the buzz of gossip
The scream of children and the yelling of teenagers

Away from the blaring car horns and steady tick-tock of that clock
Tick-tock

Hidden from it all
In the warmth of the bed, the slide of the sheets
The coziness of the blanket, the spreading heat
From the coffee, the hot chocolate, the hot tea

The strange coolness of skin against mine, from just hands
The common, familiar heat radiating from my skin, just underneath
My body’s space heater-like quality, though not quite filling the entire room

The feel of your hand,
Your fingers
Gliding across my cheek, my chin, my ear
My sigh as I wish for the moment to continue

The spark of simple closeness
With you
My face flushing lightly

To be held in
Adoration
Love
Care
Happiness

Hair through my fingers
Rub of your nose against mine
Sweet, secret smile
Slipping onto my face
Only in front of you

All that matters
Emotion
Action
Non-action
Feeling
Whispers
Voice
Look

Boyfriend
Lover
Man
Partner
Companion
Counterpart
?…another word I can’t think of,
Another description, another name

…ah, eluding my thought, my speech

Like slow dancing, long walks
Watching a rolling storm
Staring at a sky full of stars…

I see at last
Beauty
Shine
Sparkle
All of those things
That have evaded my search
These past twenty-seven years and eleven and a half months

You are wonderful, amazing
Fantastic, fascinating
Interesting, intelligent,
Kind, humorous, clever
Tough, gentle
Alluring, desirable
Charming, bewitching
…AWESOME…

Beautifully human

…Perfect…

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It has been waaay too long since I’ve tried to empty my head of itself. I figured that since I can’t particularly sleep…I slept a lot today…that now would be the best time.

Currently, I’m sitting at my computer with the TV on. Which is a rare occurrence, as I normally don’t have the damn thing on if I’m not playing a game or watching a DVD. But we now have digital cable, basically. Got U-Verse now, and have the Jazz Standards channel on…nice thing to listen to at night, Jazz.

Let me start off by saying that this year has been an effing roller coaster, but now? Now, I’m flying.

As many of you know, I had temporary insanity in the form of my decision to date my ex-boyfriend. He turned out to be COMPLETELY fake, as he didn’t look like his picture at all, wasn’t a nice person, didn’t have an illness…hell, he didn’t even actually have kids, as he had tried to have me believe.

I wanted to apologize to all of you that had to put up with my total and utter stupidity. At the time, I was hoping for someone to come along and just sweep me off my feet…even though you all know that I’m not like that. He came along, seemed like what I was looking for. But when we actually met, and he didn’t have any courtesy for me, no manners, and bitched and whined and yelled at me for no damn reason, I finally said I was done. And I truly have to say that I wasted the better part of a year and a half dealing with him. First as just a friend, then being led on for so long, then experiencing the reality that he was a horrible person. I’m not on here to bash him, I’m just trying to get out what I’ve been needing to get out for of my system for so long. I’m not very good at talking, so I figured this would be the best way for me to say what I needed to. I did make the idiot decision of keeping the dog that he got while he lived with me. She’s a sweet dog, but it’s hard as I’m not home much, and that was easier when I just had one dog. Anyway, I’m happy that I’m free of him, and that’s the end.

Another bad thing that happened this year is my extreme weight gain. Last year, partly because I was depressed about my ex, I had managed to lose forty pounds, and I looked great and felt great. However, when he moved in with me, because of all of the lies, I began putting the weight back on, and now I’ve managed to gain sixty this year. So in a way, I blame him because I was on the way to being where I’d like to be, and it all went to shit. But now that I don’t have to deal with that crap, I can focus on getting myself back to where I used to be. Please understand that it’s not a matter of looks. I had MUCH better self-esteem when I was lighter. And not to mention that there are medical reasons why I wanted to lose weight in the first place. So wish me luck as I step back onto the path of weight loss, yet again.

On the other side…the good side…of things, I have found what I’m looking for.

In my head and my heart, I wasn’t emotionally attached to my ex as of the end of April. I didn’t cheat or look elsewhere, because I’d feel terribly guilty, but I just didn’t have any feeling there anymore other than resentment and extreme dislike. I broke up with him July 3rd, and two days later, I was contacted by someone I hadn’t seen since I was a sophomore in high school.

Mel was part of a set of twins I had a class with. I remembered him. We just talked about random things, things that we actually had in common…which for me, as you know, is unheard of. Things like anime and the History Channel show The Universe. I can’t talk about things like that with just anyone. Some people think it’s completely over their heads. Others think that I’m not worthy of discussing it with them because they somehow have it in their minds that they are superior. So it just started out with messages back and forth, introductory conversation, that sort of thing.

Then he asked me on a date. I was extremely nervous about it. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t EVER been on an actual date before. But when I got there…and hour late, which I still feel bad for 😦 …I had the most fun six hours I’d had in a LONG time! We just talked, had a pizza, had some beer, and played some pool. I left in a most ecstatic frame of mind. I couldn’t stop smiling! We agreed to definitely do another date.

The following day, Mom, Nick and I went to Jefferson’s on Mass St. in Lawrence for dinner. Mel had texted me to see what I was up to. He was out with his cousin (I think) and asked me if I’d like to join them. I couldn’t but told him definitely some other time.

Next, he has asked on another date. We went the following Saturday night. Earlier in the day, however, it was apparent to me that I had done SOMETHING right, and when I walked into work, the guys at work were teasing me because I had received roses at work. I knew it was Mel, and I couldn’t describe how elated I was that he had done that for me! It was his (and his brother’s) birthday that next day, and I felt honored that he wanted to share the night before/of with him. We went to dinner, had a very nice time, and hinted that we would like to get together again.

Mel texted me again the next day, and asked if he could see me again that night. I agreed, as I wanted to see him very much again. We met up that Sunday night, and I had a lovely time. Of course, as our schedules clashed, we tried to get together as much as we could. A few days later, the night of the 29th, we had decided to become exclusive to each other. And I cannot begin to explain how happy I was about that…I still am happy about it!

He has treated me with nothing less than courtesy, and is the first true, real gentleman I’ve ever had the pleasure of being with. AND we both play games casually…which is nice as most people are lumped into hardcore gamers and non-gamers…at least around the people I know! He’s good to me, gets along with my “parents,” and he makes me feel like a million bucks. Cliche though it may be, it’s true.

And he is the reason for my extreme happiness, so you can thank him if I seem to be a bit more manageable. 🙂

Aside from my wonderful counterpart, good news is that I’ve finally managed to get a part time job at the State, and it’s temporary for the time being, but I’m hoping that in the next two years that they’ll come up with the money to be able to keep me. That’s what I’d really love.

There are other things to talk about, but since I have to be to work at 8 AM, I better be going.

I’ll talk about more things aside from my boyfriend, I promise.

But it’s hard not to talk about such a great person.

Love Sincerely, Love Supremely,

The Mexican

With A Vengence…

Hello, HELLO!!!

I know there’s not many left on here, but this is a great place for me to get thoughts out, and now that I don’t have a crazy-ass boyfriend, I can be myself again 🙂

This is short, because there is SO much to tell, but I’ll write more later when I get a chance.

Love Supremely,

The Mexican

Poetry

STOLEN POETRY…or lyrics, as it were…

When I was very young
Nothing really mattered to me
But making myself happy
I was the only one

Now that I am grown
Everything’s changed
I’ll never be the same
Because of you

Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me

Looking at my life
It’s very clear to me
I lived so selfishly
I was the only one

I realize
That nobody wins
Something is ending
And something begins

Nothing takes the past away
Like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go
Like the light

You’re shelter from the storm
Give me comfort in your arms